马男波杰克第五季

So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.

Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”

But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.

[people murmuring]

[clears throat]

Anyway, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the… [clears throat] All right. Okay, here we go. Let’s do this. Here I am, BoJack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let’s go. Hey, piano man, can I get a, like an organ flourish? [organ plays] Nicely done. You know, I was a little worried I wouldn’t have the right accompaniment today. I guess it’s a good thing my mom was an organ donor! [rimshot plays] What happened to the organ? [horn ‘oogahs’] Okay, why just leave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my mother. Can you show a little respect? [trumpet whines] I’ll take it.

Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse. Uh, she was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale. I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman.

[rustling]

Lived a full life, that lady. Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens. Then you die. Okay, well that’s my time, you’ve been great! Tip your waitress! No, I’m just kidding around, there’s no waitress. But seriously, that’s all I have to say about my mother. No point beating a dead horse, right? So…

[inhales] Now what? I don’t know. Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you’re proud of me.

Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my mother, and I can just talk and talk without her telling me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Mom, knock once if you think I should shut up. No? You sure? I mean, I don’t want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy, so, seriously, if you wanted me to sit down and let someone else talk, just knock. I will not be offended. No? Your funeral.

Sorry about the closed casket, by the way. She wanted an open casket, but uh, you know, she’s dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. I-I think that if she could’ve seen what she looked like dead, she’d agree it’s better this way. She looked like this.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

Kinda like a pissed-off toy dinosaur. The coroner couldn’t get her eyes closed, so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish. Or as my mom called it, Tuesday! Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday.

[woman coughs]

Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke? You like that? You never did care for my comedy.

[clears throat]

Here’s a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, “Let that be a lesson. That’s the good that comes from wanting things.” She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault.

But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn’t know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me.

Now that’s a good story about my mother. It’s not true, but it’s a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, “That’s the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die.” But I don’t have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that’s what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn’t enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so… hard.

When you’re a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough, that even though your parents aren’t what you need them to be over and over and over again, at any moment, they might surprise you with something… wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting.

Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter.

[owl chirping]

My mother did not go gentle into that good night. She went clawing and fighting and thrashing, hence the face.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

If you’d seen her, I swear to God the only thing you’d be thinking about right now is that I am nailing this impression.

[woman clears her throat]

[chairs squeak]

I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, full of nonsencial screams and cries, but there was this moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, “I see you.” That’s the last thing she said to me. “I see you.” Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. “Hello there. You are a person. And I see you.”

Let me tell you, it’s a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It’s an odd realization that that’s the thing you’ve been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn’t feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like, “Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.” I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment—all that I was ready for. I was not ready for “I see you.” Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn’t about connection. Maybe it was a… maybe it was an “I see you,” like, uh, “I see you.” Like, “You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are.” That’s more my mom’s speed.

Or maybe she just literally meant “I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision.” She was pretty out of it at the end, so maybe it’s dumb to try to attribute it to anything.

[woman sighs]

Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin’ Around.

[man coughs]

Please hold your applause. And I remember one time, a fan asked me, “Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup’s missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?” And I didn’t have the heart to be, like, “No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot.” So instead, I was, like… “Yeah.”

And maybe this is like that coffee cup. Maybe we’re dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says, “I see you,” it just means, “I see you.” Then again, it’s possible she wasn’t even talking to me because, if I’m being honest, she wasn’t really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to think she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeing? Who were you talking to, Mom? [sighs] Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I’m paying you, it’s too much.

Maybe she saw my dad. My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, “Wait, did you say he died in a duel?” and “Who dies in a duel?” The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn’t like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

[murmur]

I wish I’d known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro. It would’ve been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, “My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.”

“My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.” I don’t know why she said that. Maybe she felt like that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her. “My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.” Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance, and replaced it with crippling debt, which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. “Bad news, you lost a husband, but don’t worry, you also lost the house!” Maybe Mom knew she’d have to sell all her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that’s what she meant by “everything is worse now.” Is that what you meant, Mom?

I gotta say, I’m really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks. Hey, piano man, when I say something funny to my mom, how about you give me one of those rimshots?

[rimshot plays]

Yeah, but not now. When I say something funny. Like, okay. What’s the difference between my mother and a disruptive expulsion of germs? One’s a coughin’ fit and the other fits a coffin! That’s an example of a funny thing.

[rimshot plays]

Thank you. Let’s try again. Hey, Mom. What’s the difference between my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs? One gets carried in a basket, the other gets buried in a casket!

[rimshot plays]

Ready for one more? Last one. What’s the difference between a first-year lit major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One is decently read, and the other’s a huge bitch!

[woman gasps]

[murmurs]

Yeah, might have gone a little too far with that one. That one might’ve been a little too “my mom’s a huge bitch” for the room. I’m sorry, Mother. You’re not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch… and now you’re dead.

[woman sighs]

You know, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience, it actually was, uh, with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the living room and she used to make… [inhales] She used to make me sing “The Lollipop Song.”

[organ playing tune]

Those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts, and ethnically insensitive vaudeville routines, and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad. Dad hated the parties. He’d lock himself in the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married… took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddenly remember… you can swim.

[flashback]

[partygoers laughing]

[classical music playing]

But then again, mostly not. Mostly you’re drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it. And Dad. All three of us were drowning, and we didn’t know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that’s what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, “I see you.”

You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you’re next. I mean, you know, obviously it’s not like there’s a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.

I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I’m an actor, I do my own stunts. I’m on this new show Philbert. I’m Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn’t come out yet, but it’s already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz… [inhales] I’m supposed to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up ‘cause of the shooting schedule, I don’t even know what morning means anymore. There’s a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who’s been to so many funerals, he doesn’t even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves. [gulps]

Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? “Won’t they be sorry.” Cool thought, brain.

[rimshot plays]

No, that wasn’t… would you just… dial it back, all right?

I don’t even know what “they” I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was. And of course, my dad’s dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him for all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe it did, I don’t know. I never read it, because why would I give him that?

I used to be on this TV show called Horsin’ Around. Seriously, though, hold your applause.

[man coughs]

Well held. It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who’s also dead now, and it starred this little girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, “Maybe don’t mention they’re orphans so much, because audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable.” But I never thought that the orphans were sad. I-I always thought they were lucky, because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for.

Anyway, we did this one season finale, where Olivia’s birth mother comes to town. And she was a junkie, but she’s gotten herself cleaned up, and she wants to be in Olivia’s life again. And of course, she’s like a perfect grown-up version of Olivia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears pierced like she’s always wanted and—sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin’ Around, if you’re still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her, “Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down.” But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she’s moving to California, Olivia decides to go with her. And the network really juiced the cliffhanger: “Is Olivia gone for good?” But of course, because it’s a TV show, she was not gone for good. Of course, because it’s a TV show, Olivia’s mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home, getting rides from Mr. T, Alf, and the cast of Stomp. Of course, that’s what happened. Because, what are you gonna do, just not have Olivia on the show? You can’t have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because, if everyone’s happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show… has to keep going. There’s always more show. And you can call Horsin’ Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there is nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, ‘cause there’s always more show.

I guess until there isn’t.

[chuckles]

My mom would hate it if she knew that I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show. Or maybe she’d think it was funny that her idiot son couldn’t even do this right. Who knows? She left no instructions for what she wanted me to say. All I know is she wanted an open casket, and her idiot son couldn’t even do that right. I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and… “I-C-U.”

“I… see… you.” Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. My mom died and all I got was this free churro.

You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack in the Box didn’t even know me. I’m your son! All I had was you! [inhales]

I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now. You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.

Suddenly, you realize you’ll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you’d never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn’t even realize it until that chance went away.

My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you.” But I guess it’s good to know. It’s good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it’s good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it’s good. It’s good that I know that. So… it’s good my mother is dead.

[gulps, sighs]

Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea… what she wanted. Unless she just wanted what we all want… to be seen.

Is this Funeral Parlor B?

—— from Reddit

五季了，波杰克的成长有目共睹，反而是他身边的人毫无成长。戴安的愤世嫉俗，花生酱的做事不经过大脑，卡洛琳公主还没明白她想要什么，陶德一整季过去了，又回到了原点。波杰克的成长其实在于“接受”和“表达”，跟第一季的他相比，这季的波杰克（就结果来说）更诚实，诚实地对待自己，诚实地对待他人。而且更重要的是，他学会了如何爱人。其实和波杰克相比，戴安的问题更突显出来——她很善良，她很擅长如何对他人好，却不知道怎么对自己好，也许是她没被教过，也许是她自愿沉溺于悲伤。在ep9她和马男吵架那里可以看出，是她想知道波杰克过去做过的龌龊事，知道了以后却又嫌弃他（因为说他很辣鸡），与其说她神经质不如说是因为她一直想站在一个道德的制高点，所以拒绝承认波杰克变好的事实，也不愿接受他垃圾的本质。波杰克一直把戴安当做交心的朋友因为他们很像，其实看到这季最后会觉得其实他们除了丧以外都不像。马男是向前进的那个，戴安不是。她太害怕做出改变了。唯一的好消息大概是花生酱没有跟戴安复合，因为他们真的不合适。

顺便提一嘴波杰克的药。有确切描写的话，应该是这季ep8（万圣节派对）开始，原因应该是戴安在剧里提出他在新墨西哥的往事，加上碧翠丝过世这件事他想找人倾诉却又不想（不敢）面对这个话题，当然可能还有点是因为他真的背痛。这样一想，戴安其实才是拖马男后腿的那个。也许下季波杰克会加油把戴安也拖出泥潭？

另外，不得不说，马男整部剧的想象力无可比拟的，尤其是如何把社会话题合理地塞进剧情这一点，怎么想都觉得不可能有更妙的做法。因为这种安排就是非常的马男。

很多人说第六集是神作，我觉得不然，11集才是。11集有点像上一季碧翠丝回忆的那集，将波杰克的精神世界和现实世界完美交织，让观众在能清楚分开哪些是波杰克在剧中的表现的同时，表达波杰克把现实和剧混合起来之后的感受。再说一嘴，波杰克和吉娜的分手其实很大程度上跟他自己没啥关系，因为可以说他当时已经处于一种精神不太正常（多半因为毒品）的情况，他是不能为自己的行为负责的，所以即使他学会了爱人，编剧仍然把他俩拆散了，所以这不是波杰克的锅，是编剧的锅。而《菲尔伯特》被停播更不是他的锅啦，只是他为了吉娜做出了牺牲却未得到回报（可能再次对他留下创伤），让人有点为他感到难过。

这季评分下降我很理解，因为本季更少关注波杰克自身的丧，转向社会的丧。像我这种想在马男这部剧里找共鸣、提醒自己有多丧的人在未经历社会的情况下社会问题有点提不起我的兴趣。再说了，波杰克已经不那么丧了。但无论如何，我都还是马男的死忠粉。

毕竟，不管怎样，马男是好起来了，社会还会好起来吗？

看来前五集本来觉得这一季有点走低，还在想bojack怎么变得不愤世嫉俗了。第六集看得我泪流满面，这还是我熟悉的那个神剧！每次这部剧里有关原生家庭的描写都能引起我很大触动，可能我跟bojack一样，都是在原生家庭中被伤害过的小孩。

第六集整一集都是马男在母亲葬礼上的eulogy。马男的妈妈是个刻薄冷漠又神经质的人，对小bojack从来的都是打击嘲讽，所以长大后的他才这么愤世嫉俗，没有责任感，敏感又痛苦。Bojack人生中一个很大的课题就是想得到母亲的认可，就算在致悼词的时候他还在耿耿于怀母亲最后说的“I see you”是什么意思。从没被看见过的小孩终其一生都在等待着被看见。可惜的是母亲不会因为他的渴望而改变，最后等待他的还是失望。最痛苦的是母亲已经去世了，连这点等待的希望也终于破灭。冷酷的世界就这样告诉他，算了吧，你的父母不可能认可你赞许你，我想这可能是最悲哀最伤感的事之一了。

但是我最受触动的是Bojack回忆母亲跳舞的那一段话。Bojack的母亲会定期跟朋友们聚会，聚会的结尾她总会跳一段舞。这个时候平时总是酗酒暴躁的父亲也会停止抱怨，静静的看着妻子舞蹈，小Bojack也忘了对双亲的畏惧，感受着这一点“从溺水的生活中透气”的时光。舞蹈结束，生活恢复原来的样子，依然充斥着酒精和争吵，仿佛这一点心灵相通的瞬间从来没存在过。家人在一起就是互相伤害。

我想这是比“父母从来没看到过你”更痛苦的事。明明是因为爱在一起，明明心中仍有爱，但是我们却因为曾经受到过的贬斥和伤害把自己层层包裹起来，为了保护自己，同样用伤害回击给别人。家庭成了互相投射心灵最黑暗的负面情绪的场所，只有在忘了自我保护的时候，才散发出这一点点爱，就像砂砾中的金子一样，支撑着人继续忍受日复一日的痛苦。

每个被原生家庭伤害过的小孩可能都问过自己，“我爱我的父母吗？”。可能我们对父母的感情并没有那么纯粹，是一种复杂的多也深沉的多的情感。我的爸爸跟Bojack的爸爸有些地方有点像。他曾经离开了很稳定的事业单位的工作去做一个更自由的创作者。不过我从来没看过他的作品，他似乎也不是很在意家人的评价。我还能记得我小的时候拿他的书玩，他很不耐烦的呵斥我的样子。写错了一个字被他骂“完蛋”的样子。他也喜欢旅游，很早就走过国内的很多地方，但是他并不喜欢跟别人一起走，只喜欢自己出去玩。我有时候觉得家人的存在对他也许是种拖累，他本来可以当个更自由更快乐的人。也许是生活和家庭都不如意，他也有酒精方面的问题。有一次喝多了朝我扔一个很重的挂饰，差点砸到我。现在每次想到这个场景我都抑制不住的痛苦愤怒。但是我又永远记得我小时候刚上学的时候不会削铅笔，他就每次都削好十只给我带着，他的手指头很粗，削铅笔的时候却特别灵活，削好的铅笔头又长又细。我也还记得他带我到书店买凡尔纳全集，一边买一边得意的说：这套书很好看，你一定喜欢看。我写的东西，画的东西就算很糟糕他看到了都会很惊喜的夸我几句。我小的时候对他有很多怨言，总觉得他无视我的想法（就像很多中式家庭的家长一样）。长大之后稍微理解了他，他也有他自己糟糕复杂的原生家庭，虽然他从来不跟我说（可能觉得我的意见不重要，我毕竟永远是个“小孩”）。没人教过他怎么处理情绪，怎么表达爱，所以他只好像绝大多数代代相传的中国家庭传统那样，用挑剔，控制，打压表达爱。

虽然在一定程度上理解了他，但是我依然没法表达我自己的爱。想要表达的时候，总会想起我灰暗焦虑的童年，像一只战战兢兢的小兽，不知道什么时候就会被骂，只好蜷缩自己缩小存在感。又有时候跟父母展示自己，想要像Bojack一样被看到，但是得到的打击远远多过肯定。时时刻刻处在畏惧和恐惧之下。每当我想跟父母和解，对他们说些好话的时候，这个受伤的小兽就会提醒我它的存在，让我觉得和解就是对不起那个曾经承受过这么多痛苦的自己。所以我也继承了这个家庭里代际间的创伤，学会了说伤人的话，把爱包裹在层层的自我保护之下，用一种扭曲的方式表达出来。

但是也有爱闪耀的时刻，就像Bojack妈妈跳舞的时候那样。春天花开的时候，我们家总要一起去公园赏花，走在耀眼阳光下，缤纷花丛间，我爸妈仿佛也忘了相互之间的陈年旧恨，就像一对恩爱多年的夫妇那样，互相拍照，聊天，调笑，欣赏美景。我给他们照相，三个人一起大笑。这是我记忆里为数不多的鲜明的记忆。在那一刻在我们之间，没有伤害和痛苦，只有纯粹的爱意在流动。每次想起这样的瞬间我都觉得温暖，就算游玩之后回家他们之间还是会因为做饭之类的事大吵一架，搞得好几天不跟对方说话。也许爱的力量太强大了，抵得过许多次伤害，就因为这样闪耀的瞬间，让我可以继续在接下来灰暗的日子里默默忍受，直到现在。

我想这也许就是人生的意义之一，感受爱，给出爱。但这也是最难的课题之一。也许只有最勇敢的人才能宽恕，宽恕曾经伤害自己的人，无视可能会受到的更大的伤害，无惧的表达出最真实的感觉，对我们在意的人说出“我爱你”。所幸的是我父母还身体健康，我还有机会继续修习这门课直到毕业。希望有一天我能对我的父母说：我能看到你，我爱你。到那时候我内心受伤的小兽应该就已经不会继续悲伤了吧。

我主要从西方心理咨询这个视角，对每集的关键要点作了如下分集提炼。按每三集一组，分了四组。

其中，大爱第五、六集。第六集爆炸的IMBD评分（史上最高？）了解一下： //m.imdb.com/title/tt8266826/?ref_=m_ttep_ep_ep6

以下为四组提炼。

第一组

ep1 【生活方向】

♦ Todd五季以来对明确的【生活方向】的持续追求。

ep2 【孤独/无归属感、无意义感】

♦ 戴安的咨询师首次出场。

♦ 离婚激发了戴安的【孤独/无归属感、无意义感】

ep3 【真实的自我】【不期待】

♦ Gina被现实【压抑】的梦想（霍妮谈“真我”） 。

我们内心的冲突

8.7

卡伦霍妮 / 2015 / 译林出版社

♦ 零期待以自保（@叔本华 存在主义心理治疗的思想基础）。

人生的智慧

9.4

[德] 叔本华 / 2014 / 上海人民出版社

♦ 提了下《the wire》（隐含了编剧认可该老剧的深度）。

火线 第五季 (2008)

9.7

2008 / 美国 / 剧情 悬疑 惊悚 犯罪 / 乔·施佩尔 厄内斯特·R·迪克森 乔伊·凯肯 斯科特凯肯 丹尼尔·艾提奥斯 阿格涅丝卡·霍兰 塞斯·曼恩 多米尼克·韦斯特 安东尼·海明威 克拉克·约翰森 / 多米尼克·韦斯特 雷格·E·凯蒂

第二组

ep4 暂无

暂无

ep5 【亲子代关系】

♦ 卡洛琳的母子关系 @圆桌派-母子关系这期，萨特谈身体痛苦甚于精神痛苦。

阅后感：看到卡洛琳的UCLA录取函时 想到了自己的大学录取回忆；结尾卡洛琳毅然离乡时 继续泪奔。

ep6 【亲子代关系】【亲代冲突】【死亡恐惧】【孤独】

♦ 父母间的严重冲突状况、父母把马男作为无反抗能力的情绪垃圾桶，对马男的成年状况的根本性的显著影响。

原生家庭

8.3

（美）苏珊·福沃德博士 （美）克雷格·巴克 / 2018 / 北京时代华文书局│阳光博客

（令和首日 一日看完 力荐）

儿童精神分析

8.2

[英]梅兰妮•克莱茵 / 2016 / 世界图书出版公司

101个心理治疗难题（万千心理）

8.6

Jerome S. Blackman / 2016 / 中国轻工业出版社

精神分析诊断（万千心理）

9.6

（美）麦克威廉斯（McWilliams, N.） / 2015 / 中国轻工业出版社

精神分析治愈之道

9.5

[美] 海因茨·科胡特 / 2016 / 重庆大学出版社

思想等待思想者

8.6

[澳] Joan Symington [澳] Neville Symington / 2015 / 中国轻工业出版社

♦ 被亲代教育【不能依靠任何人】 。

♦ 为母亲致悼词：回忆母亲讲了大道理后归罪于儿子、一生不愿示亲密于儿子等状况，展现对父母两人的极度愤怒。

♦ 呈现了父母之死带来的【死亡恐惧】。

直视骄阳：征服死亡恐惧

8.8

欧文·亚隆 / 2015 / 中国轻工业出版社

死亡哲学

7.9

[美] 谢利·卡根 / 2016 / 北京联合出版公司

♦ 结尾神升华：“ICU”谐音梗提示了每人都need “to be seen”，且暗示了马男母亲也没有从其亲代处得到“to be seen”的关爱。

♦ 剧末点睛：【to be seen： 对于被关注的期待】。

第三组

ep7 【求助】【孤独】

♦ 大量调侃咨询业

♦ "it's just good to have someone to talk to"

ep8 【焦虑】【亲密模式】【自我呈现】

♦ 狗男的亲密关系模式

♦ 凯瑟琳的年龄焦虑

♦ Todd对承担责任的焦虑

♦ 新炮友谈波杰克的自我呈现

日常生活中的自我呈现

8.6

欧文·戈夫曼 / 2016 / 北京大学出版社

ep9 【孤独】【亲密关系】

♦ 通过全新领域的app（这个我反复设想过5年以上的手段），来【寻找同类】（以建立更高质量亲密关系）的todd

第四组

ep10 【人际冲突】

♦ 欲海中，未化解旧仇的2个老段子手：

意愿的冲撞

8.4

[美] 罗杰·古尔德 / 2017 / 华东师范大学出版社

ep11 职场【暴力】

♦ #metoo运动 的发酵过程。

ep12 【自我保护与成长】【高压】

♦ 【对自己好一点：像对待自己希望保护的人一样 宽容、体谅自己】

@芒格与乔丹·皮特森的提醒

12 Rules for Life

7.9

Jordan B. Peterson / 2018 / Random House Canada

♦ 高强度工作（以凯瑟琳PR工作为例）易导致亲子关系问题。

♦ 女演员为了事业/资本所付出的巨大的【心理/情绪代价】。

♦ 戒药物成瘾：突破过去的舒适区、对专业人士求助，求得成长。

♦ 狗男一会儿向前妻求复合，被拒绝后转头又向新女友求婚。编剧想凸显其乐观个性？！

♦ 被朋友“朋友”背叛、在关系中重伤的戴安。

结尾，普锐斯中的戴安独自启程。我们 又回到了各自的生活，还得继续过下去。

裸辞后， 18-09-16 听着伴我来沪的YUI《Tokyo》写下这个短记，for me。

181110的新发现（于喜马拉雅与微信均可搜到）： 《马男波杰克》的存在主义哲学：个体挣扎、社会现实、文化观念 （by小声喧哗 林三土）

190811 快看完《曾奇峰精神分析视频50讲》后的新发现： B站【假蚁出品】ScreenPrism | 光影棱镜 | 马男波杰克 v.s. 广告狂人 | 第一季 · 第一集

191111 双十一发福利：

马男s6影评【西方心理咨询视角 第二弹】Get a WHY to live for（每周更新）

And it breaks my heart, again...

after my heart was so broken that I thought

it could never get any more broken.

I thought it was safe,

but it still, somehow, finds a new way to break.

Because, even though, I'am the one who asked for this,

now that I've got it, I am completely adrift

with no compass, or map, or sense of where to go, or what to do.

So I go to Nanjing.

I think I might find community, a connection to something bigger,

but... I don't.

In fact, I feel even more alone than I was before I left.

But... I survive.

I learn that I can survive being alone.

I'm really happy for you

老婆和她的玩伴总在看剧，我也耳濡目染了一些。经过我的询问和她的解答，我发现特别丧的剧都是美国人的。我很奇怪美国人的品味，难道真的是过得太好了吗？也许是爱看这些丧剧的美国人过得太好了，而过得不好的人并不喜欢看？也许是过得的确不好的人才喜欢，而过得好的人并不热捧吧。我觉得事情的真相很可能是这样：过得不错，但总要给自己找点麻烦的人，更可能觉得这个剧好。

其实这个剧给我最突出的感受，是它很像卡佛的小说风格。它介于两个卡佛之间。最初出版并走红的卡佛，是那个被编辑改过的卡佛，可以称作“编辑卡佛”，后来又出版了未编辑的卡佛，我们称它为“真卡佛”。这个动画剧的风格和品味，恰好处在编辑卡佛和真卡佛之间。灰色得没有编辑卡佛彻底，诙谐多过真卡佛，但比真卡佛沉重。它们的核心气质是一样的，就是美国人陷于生计的内容贫乏的生活泥潭，还有没人帮助的糟糕的两性关系和亲子关系。

先说两性关系和情感方面。在所有的美剧和卡佛的小说里，美国人的家庭关系的确和我们很不一样。一个人从他父母身边长大，一般就会脱离出来，所有的伤害都没有解决，只是掐断，然后他就组建他自己的两性关系，而且往往没能比他的父母高明。简直毫无提高，就是按照烂摊子的样子制造新的烂摊子。这种剧也是一样。

还有就是美国人的物质生活。之前读了一本考试用书，工程经济，里面讲了一些公司运作、财务管理方面的原理。我不得不注意到，公司管理的所有原则最终都会产生同一个后果，就是争分夺秒，把人的精力榨干、逼死。想到这些知识经验都该源自伟大富强的美利坚，美国人民的生活状况可见一斑。这个剧里表现得毫无差异。

但是我很不喜欢这个剧。角色在剧里根本没有尝试解决问题。有些人说角色在成长，在逐渐地改善自己的处境。在我看来，那些改进之处都是不痛不痒的。说他们有改善的人，好像忘了一个事实：如果角色的内涵和定位变了，就没法继续往下编了，就没法连载了，之前爱看的人就不会爱看，这可是商业规律啊。而且我要说，肯定他们的进步的人，同样也不能改进自己的生活。可能他们就搞不清楚什么才叫改进。

翻开两个卡佛的小说，我们读到的都是烂摊子，主人公收拾不了的烂摊子。那是一种沉溺，彻底的失败。这个马人也毫无指望。爱看马人的，觉得感同身受的，可能也毫无指望。何以爱看？自己的苦恼被搬上了银幕，想象着它能被很多人看到甚至理解，就获得了一种安慰。我不否定这种安慰的积极，但是，然后呢？无所谓了，继续上班赚钱、然后游荡、喝酒、聊天、回家在床上翻来覆去睡不着呗。